This is a Valentine’s Day check-in for all who may feel unseen, unloved, or simply depressed at the thought of another February 14th passing by. This is also for those of you who struggle with the lie that desiring love is selfish.
As St. Valentine’s Day has been appropriated by our culture, it has become a confounding holiday. Many experience feelings of depression and anxiety. One recent study found that women are more likely than men to be adversely affected by Valentine’s Day disappointment. It is important to note however, that both sexes have and can experience increased depression and anxiety related to Valentine’s Day.
On one hand – the holiday is about sharing love. As Catholics, we know that God is love, and we often hear how the Holy Spirit is the love shared between the Father and the Son. When we both give and receive love, we imitate God. In essence then, the holiday is (or should be) about sharing God with others. What could be more worthy of celebration? How could this negatively affect those who have undergone traumatic experiences? Shouldn’t it do the opposite?
We are made for relationship and at the core of who we are, we crave and long to be seen and to be held by God. Human relationships should naturally reflect the love of God. But when we perceive that we are unworthy or unseen because of disordered dynamics in our human relationships or misperceptions of what real love is, this deepest desire is contradicted. This can cause parts of ourselves to become disintegrated or at conflict with each other. Our mind must have the tools and knowledge to reconcile messages that conflict with these our core beliefs. But what happens when it doesn’t?
What is Trauma?
Trauma is an emotional experience to events or circumstances that overwhelm a human person’s mental and emotional capacities. One aspect of trauma involves the mind’s inability to reconcile conflicting messages, often related to safety and one’s inherent dignity. There are different types of trauma, but all have the ability to challenge one’s sense of self and negatively affect self-esteem.
For those holding onto unresolved trauma that find themselves disappointed by the day’s festivities, Valentine’s Day can serve as a reminder of the lack of love experienced in the circumstances that led to extreme overwhelm of their basic human capacities. The false concept of love that is often promoted by our culture, especially around Valentine’s Day, can create great emotional difficulty for those already struggling.
When Valentine’s Day Forgets God
Being left out of the romantic gestures as a single person or feeling disappointment at your spouse or significant other’s efforts to participate (or lack thereof) can really poke at our deep-seated wounds (even if you haven’t experienced a severe trauma). As our culture has become further and further distanced from authentic, sacrificial love, this holiday has further and further distanced from authentic love as well. And being distanced from authentic love, it has become further distanced from God. This distance from God has damaging effects and leads to disintegration of the human person in spirit, mind, and body. We are predisposed to misinterpret or mistake real Love. And on Valentine’s Day, we are constantly bombarded with expectations for what “love” is supposed to be or what actions indicate the presence of “real love,” and it becomes easy to mistake romance for authentic love!
Living in True Love this Valentine’s Day
If you find yourself struggling this Valentine’s Day, know you are not alone! The Lord steps into our darkest moments and desires to step into the places of your heart that seem at war or are not unconvinced of your immeasurable worth because you have not yet received flowers from your beloved. We challenge you to live courageously by also allowing yourselves opportunities to love and be loved. This can be as simple as reaching out to a friend to see how he or she is doing or simply communicating your desire to celebrate this holiday with your spouse or those you love most.
We most of all encourage you to live in true love this Valentine’s Day by looking for the Lord in your day to day life and perhaps offering any suffering that this holiday brings as a sacrifice for all those suffering from the lie that they are unloved!
